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  • Writer's pictureCorporate Gaslighting

The Greatest Destruction Is When It's Slow

I had worked at this company for a long time, I really enjoyed working there and had felt part of a good team. 

I went where they sent me, did what they asked me to do. 

Chose them over home a lot of the time as they made me feel that it was worth it. 

I felt like people knew me and that my outgoing personality was a huge benefit to me and that I was always honest in feedback about what I thought was good and bad work wise. 

Then I gave an opinion that my boss disagreed with and I had - in their mind - 'gone around there back'.

This led to change and it was clear that they were looking to restructure my role but wanted to avoid any redundancy payment. 

Basically I was sidelined as my superior looked to save there own role, and make sure I was seen as being not needed. 

What then happened was the horrible part for me, as the process of finding a new job was not a quick one.  The company then gave me non-roles where there was little to no work to do, including working on an account that was moving agency. 

This was fairly soul destroying as I had always enjoyed working with people, supporting as needed and suddenly it was like I wasn't to be spoken too or given anything to do. 

The MD seemed to have a vendetta in that I was to be made an example of in this regard.  A kind of, look what happens when you aren't part of the club attitude.  Obviously, I was looking for roles outside the company and thought that this would be ok until I found a job, but the mundaneness of coming in with nothing to do was terrible. 

To say that the process was humiliating, and damaging doesn't being to explain it. 

My partner wanted to come into the office and just ask why were they doing this?  Could they not see the effect it was having on me.  People in the office even commented that they didn't understand why they would do this, or what the benefit was. It ruined my confidence in my own ability, and made me feel like life was not worth living as I had no purpose.  At one point, I did actually think about suicide as I felt so worthless.  Luckily, I created 'survival routines', working on my own things just to get through the day.  But, I still don't understand what they thought was the benefit of doing this. It made me stop being me.  I didn't talk to people, I just sat staring at the screen and trying to chunk the day into manageable segments of time.

Even when I resigned, despite there being no work to do - as had been the case for the previous 4 months - they enforced my notice period. 

I was expected to come and sit and do nothing. 

The hard part for me was the daily struggle with depression.  I have suffered with this for a long time and have to manage what I do.  I got to the point where I just didn't want to get on the train in and was actually getting sick.  My doctor was prepared to sign me off work for the notice period but due to the contract I was on, it would simply mean that I wouldn't be paid and still couldn't start my new role.  

I have thankfully left and am in a much better position, but it has stopped me from being me in my new role as I feel that its safer just to sit and be constrained than to be myself. 

Its shifted my enjoyment of work to one of fear, don't stand out, just say yes, be left alone.  Be an introvert.  I hope it get's better. 

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